Congratulations New York!

Wonderful news from New York: The Marriage Equality Act passed the New York State Legislature, allowing same-sex couples to marry legally in New York for the first time. The governor has signed the new law, which means that same-sex couples can obtain marriage licenses starting 30 days from today - not a moment too soon. Let's hope many more will follow. All humans deserve the same human rights.

For once, words fail me. Here are some pictures instead.

On bisexuality - again

I've recently been asked by a gay friend to explain (for the benefit of his gay friends who are having trouble getting their heads round a pretty simple concept) how it's possible to define yourself as bisexual and yet be in a monogamous relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I'm a patient gal, so I'll just count to 10 and answer the question I've heard too many times.

Basically, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't! Ask most self-respecting gays or lesbians and they'll warn you never ever in a million zillion years to touch a bisexual with a barge pole, because before you know it they'll be off with a member of the opposite sex, engaging in hetero-normative behaviour, AKA jumping back into the closet. So we can't be trusted to keep our pants on and be monogamous. And when we have the cheek to contradict this prejudice by actually being in a long term relationship, that's no good either. Publicly defining yourself as bisexual "despite" not being in a same-sex relationship kind of negates the whole definition of being closeted, but - in my experience - that has never stopped anyone from saying exactly that.

So why do some of us end up with members of the opposite sex? Because - I really don't want to add "duh", but how many times can you say the same thing? - no part of being bisexual is a choice, and that includes the gender of the person you happen to fall for. In the same way that a gay person can't decide to just get over it and fall in love with a member of the opposite sex, we can't just decide to go for a man or a woman for the sake of convenience, social convention, or to make things easier for others to understand. Trust me, if we could, we would. It's really boring having to explain something that is basically not rocket science, again and again and again and again. What's so complicated? Nothing. That's the whole thing: sometimes we fall for a man, sometimes for a woman. We can't predict which one it's going to be this time or the next. I'm surprised betting shops haven't yet cottoned on to this still unchartered territory of the gambling market. Not understanding something so simple is just a refusal to accept someone who doesn't conform to your way of life.

So, they ask, if you're in a "straight" relationship, doesn't that make you stop being bisexual and turn you straight? Now I have a question: if a gay/lesbian isn't in a relationship does that stop them from being gay/lesbian? Do we have to sleep with girls on odd days of the week and boys on even days for all eternity in order to justify using the label bisexual to describe our sexual orientation? Well, that wasn't on the tin when I bought it, so I want my money back.

Okay, I know what comes next! You're asking: Well, if all this is true then why don't we see any bisexuals in long term same sex relationships? Well, you do, only most of the time you don't know they're bisexual. And do you know why? Because life is often not really worth living for bisexuals who are out in the gay/lesbian world, especially men. I know bisexuals who have given up on same-sex relationships altogether because they couldn't deal with the accusations, the dismissal, the lack of respect for who they are. This makes me really angry. You wouldn't expect people who have experienced this kind of treatment themselves to inflict it on others. There are bisexuals who are brave (or foolish?) enough to be out in the gay/lesbian world (see my post about the Christian bisexual, for instance), but they are few and far between.

On bisexuality

This is my first, but definitely not my last, posting on the subject of bisexuality. I have a touch of RSI in my right wrist and finger, so I will limit myself to borrowing. First from another blog: What does it feel like to be bisexual and Christian? Very moving. And as for bisexuality, I promise you that - to use Arnie's famous words - I'll be back. And if you can't wait that long, then read my contribution to the Bi  Social Network site: Being bisexual in the Netherlands.

Dr Joseph Nicolosi - the third and last instalment of an ongoing horror story

This is part 3 of CNN's report about the "Sissy Boy" experiment, performed on a 5 year old boy by Dr George Rekers. In this part, Ryan Kendall tells of his "treatment" in the hands of Dr Joseph Nicolosi, a leading "light" of the notorious NARTH. He not only claims to have kept hundreds of kids from growing up gay, but is adamant that the treatment is both effective and does no harm.

Unfortunately, I am no stranger to practitioners whose role is to help but who are able to delude themselves about the suffering they are causing (or turn a blind eye?) in line with their own prejudices. What I don't understand is how such child abuse is left unchecked. Drugs are tested and retested for years before they are licensed for use. However, when it comes to the mental health of our children, it's a completely different story. Children grow up into adults, formed by whatever has or hasn't been done to them. Damage leaves everlasting scars, but there seems to be little or no protection to prevent this from happening. What kind of society are we living in if this kind of child abuse is allowed to continue? Isn't it time that our legislators stopped kowtowing to blatantly homophobic organisations and started to protect us from harm?

Is it possible to “cure” gays and “make them straight”? A reply to Dr Rekers

This is part 2 of CNN's report about the "Sissy Boy" experiment, performed on a 5 year old boy by Dr George Rekers.

And here's my reply to Dr Rekers (this in an article I wrote 5 years ago):

Is it possible to “cure” gays and “make them straight”?

“You can’t make fish fly, but you can chuck them across the room and make them think, for just a little while, that they can.”

Some therapists say that they can “turn gays straight” with the use of a method called “reorientation treatment”.  They insist that they are not homophobic and that they only want to help people who are unhappy with their sexuality, but good therapists help people to find the best way to live with what they can’t change.  Reorientation treatment is a pseudo science that is considered unethical by all the leading mental health and medical associations in the world and is rejected by scientific opinion – it doesn’t work and can lead to depression or suicide.  The treatment is based on the denial of natural urges.  Many people who have tried this process don’t speak of a “cure” but of a constant battle to fight their true passions through enforced celibacy, and of a miserable, loveless life full of self-hatred.  It causes the kind of damage that it claims to prevent.  The ideas behind reorientation treatment come from the conservative religious view of homosexuality as a sin.  It uses non-scientific, outdated and largely rejected set of ideas (classic psychoanalysis) to try and change sexual orientation. 

But what if my life is really bad?  Isn’t it better to have treatment?

No, because it doesn’t work and it can cause very serious psychological damage that will make your life even worse.  They make you believe that being gay can only be bad so it’s better not to live like that, but it isn’t true that homosexuals always have a terrible life and no chance of a stable relationship.  They say that homosexual sex gives you AIDS, but anyone (gay or straight) who has unsafe sex can catch AIDS.  Reorientation makes the danger of catching AIDS a lot greater – when treatment doesn’t work, many people pretend to be straight while having a secret gay life; people like that don’t get safe sex information and they end up having high-risk sex. 

But I’ve seen scientific proof that what they’re doing is right!

That’s what they like to say, but it’s not true.  A lot of the “proof” looks like real science, but it comes from non-scientific sources and was never published in any scientific journal.  They say stuff about paedophilia and homosexuality, about the origins of homosexuality, and about the success rate of re-orientation treatment, but it is all scientifically worthless.  Most of the research they quote is badly designed and therefore of no value.  Even the one widely quoted scientific article that they say is the ultimate proof that treatment does work doesn’t really prove what it claims.    

But what they say make a lot of sense sometimes!

If you carefully and critically analyse what they are saying, then they don’t make sense at all.  They only quote parts of scientific articles because if they used the whole article then it would prove the opposite of what they are saying.  They don’t follow the rules of basic logic or science.  It only looks good if you’re not a scientist.

Warning:

Reorientation treatment goes against the international standards of medical and psychological ethics.  Real therapy should help people live happy lives.  It should never ever harm them.

The evils of "curing" gays

I viewed a clip from CNN today about a horrific psychological experiment carried out on a child in the US. Yes, a child! This child became a desperately unhappy adult, who killed himself at the age of 38. And the man who carried out this experiment is still hailed as an expert and walks this earth a free man. This "expert" was "curing" a young child of 5 of his "feminine" behaviour, "saving him" from becoming a gay adult. The child became a gay adult. The "expert" was more recently caught returning from holiday with a gay escort. Didn't work for him, did it, or did he know it would only do him harm? If he did, that never stopped him from publishing endless articles and books about his "successful" treatment, spreading the word. And every one of the numerous Ex-Gay organisations offering "reparative" treatment, every charlatan therapist offering a "cure" from homosexuality to the desperately unhappy people who approaches him/her, every repressive regime in a homophobic country that believes in "scientific" approaches to "curing" various manifestations of LGBT behaviour, quotes his work. This "expert" is just one of too many to count. They all quote each other in a pyramid of unethical, unscientific, biased, bogus, pseudo research, lending their ignorant efforts an air of respectability by doing so. And the victims end up like this poor boy.

To me this is plain evil, not ignorance. Ignorance requires not being able to grasp the truth, not having the opportunity of exposure to expert and learned opinion. This is being deliberately and arrogantly deaf to the voices of the people you are supposedly trying to help, turning a blind eye to the terrible abuse of a young child. They've destroyed a life and a family. I have been fighting this evil for several years now, in every way possible. This clip is the first of three. I will publish the other two as they appear. I will also publish a link to my article on the lie that is "reparative" treatment in a future blog.

The courage and determination of a 12-year old kid

Today I read about this amazing kid, Sam Maden, who successfully campaigned to get the Red Sox to make an It Gets Better video. I am in awe of what he's achieved. If there were more people as compassionate and caring as he is in this world, it would be a much better place. Read all about it here.