On bisexuality - again

I've recently been asked by a gay friend to explain (for the benefit of his gay friends who are having trouble getting their heads round a pretty simple concept) how it's possible to define yourself as bisexual and yet be in a monogamous relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I'm a patient gal, so I'll just count to 10 and answer the question I've heard too many times.

Basically, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't! Ask most self-respecting gays or lesbians and they'll warn you never ever in a million zillion years to touch a bisexual with a barge pole, because before you know it they'll be off with a member of the opposite sex, engaging in hetero-normative behaviour, AKA jumping back into the closet. So we can't be trusted to keep our pants on and be monogamous. And when we have the cheek to contradict this prejudice by actually being in a long term relationship, that's no good either. Publicly defining yourself as bisexual "despite" not being in a same-sex relationship kind of negates the whole definition of being closeted, but - in my experience - that has never stopped anyone from saying exactly that.

So why do some of us end up with members of the opposite sex? Because - I really don't want to add "duh", but how many times can you say the same thing? - no part of being bisexual is a choice, and that includes the gender of the person you happen to fall for. In the same way that a gay person can't decide to just get over it and fall in love with a member of the opposite sex, we can't just decide to go for a man or a woman for the sake of convenience, social convention, or to make things easier for others to understand. Trust me, if we could, we would. It's really boring having to explain something that is basically not rocket science, again and again and again and again. What's so complicated? Nothing. That's the whole thing: sometimes we fall for a man, sometimes for a woman. We can't predict which one it's going to be this time or the next. I'm surprised betting shops haven't yet cottoned on to this still unchartered territory of the gambling market. Not understanding something so simple is just a refusal to accept someone who doesn't conform to your way of life.

So, they ask, if you're in a "straight" relationship, doesn't that make you stop being bisexual and turn you straight? Now I have a question: if a gay/lesbian isn't in a relationship does that stop them from being gay/lesbian? Do we have to sleep with girls on odd days of the week and boys on even days for all eternity in order to justify using the label bisexual to describe our sexual orientation? Well, that wasn't on the tin when I bought it, so I want my money back.

Okay, I know what comes next! You're asking: Well, if all this is true then why don't we see any bisexuals in long term same sex relationships? Well, you do, only most of the time you don't know they're bisexual. And do you know why? Because life is often not really worth living for bisexuals who are out in the gay/lesbian world, especially men. I know bisexuals who have given up on same-sex relationships altogether because they couldn't deal with the accusations, the dismissal, the lack of respect for who they are. This makes me really angry. You wouldn't expect people who have experienced this kind of treatment themselves to inflict it on others. There are bisexuals who are brave (or foolish?) enough to be out in the gay/lesbian world (see my post about the Christian bisexual, for instance), but they are few and far between.